Tuesday, August 11, 2015

With My Head Pulled Out

There was a "broken Hallelujah" in my heart this morning.

Because I have prayed the above prayer.

One of my favorite songs is Hallelujah written by Leonard Cohen. So many musicians have performed this song over the years, with so many variations to it, that I have a lot of them downloaded. I love them all. I've posted about this song three times now.

The Holy Spirit has always used songs - when sung from my heart - as intercession.  This one is no different.  I first heard of the song at the closing of the 2010 Olympics.  It was performed by KD Lang. Her rendition moved me to sobs while watching her performance on the TV. I had to know about her and that song.

I think, only those who have experienced a loved one slip away into the abyss of sin by turning their back on our LORD or have done so themselves, can relate to the song. I truly hope that is not you.

Having experienced the heart-break and life-altering changes of a backslidden (which is what this song is about) husband twice in my life now, with such unGodly repercussions both times, this song took on new meaning to me this morning.

I clicked on the playlist, turned up the Bose and began washing dishes. The first rendition to come on was by Celtic Thunder.  I began to sing it from the depths of my soul with the person in mind I pray for; however, God was about to answer my prayer. The one above.

Suddenly, without warning, His Light turned on with laser-point accuracy, yet shed broadly into the nooks and crannies of my heart.

I had a major revelation that threw me to my kitchen floor where I stayed, crying out for God to forgive me.  I could have washed my floor with the amount of tears that flowed.  True repentance can be messy.

I always sang Hallelujah for someone in particular, not my husband. This song was a spiritual gift by My Father ever since hearing it at the Olympics.  But, I never realized the gift was meant for me.

My Father was trying to prepare me for what was to come.  He was showing me that one more time, my Samson had his hair cut, by a Delilah. 


God was not only was preparing me, He was trying to get me to acknowledge what I suspected deep within the depths of my being. Even though my husband continued his "I'm still walking with Jesus" charade, the Truth is I did suspect his backslidden state.  Again. However, I didn't want to accept the fact that he could possibly spit in our LORD's Face a second time.  Twice in his lifetime??  How could I be married to such a person?  What part of him wasn't a lie???

Apparently, I was willing to be ostrich-like, keeping my head buried in the sand. I didn't want to deal with this one more time in my life.  I could not accept the fact that this man I served and served with really could turn his back on our LORD for a second time - turn from The God, Who has been so Gracious and done so many miraculous things for him, his businesses, his family.

Oh, how I repented as I pulled my head out of the sand.

And The Light revealed my reason for being ostrich-like.  Fear and mistrust.  Fear of spending the rest of my life alone; and more importantly, not trusting The LORD to support me the rest of my life. (As you know, I've been a stay-at-home wife/servant of The LORD, my whole life adult life). And mis-trust is much worse than fear!

So, this morning, I'm hurting.  When God's Light shines on our own darknesses, it hurts.  It busts wide-open our own misconceptions of self. But, I am most grateful.  My head is fully out of the sand now.  My Father/Husband was Gentle with me.  Kind.  Compassionate.  Gracious. Oh, so Loving.

In the last weeks God has shown me much about the Truth of who my husband really is - whom he has been for the whole 44 years of knowing him.  He has answered so many of my many nagging questions over the years in one fell swoop of knowledge.  Of which I'm still processing and I am eternally grateful for. God always answers our questions! Always!
Thank You, my LORD, for preparing me.  Every time I  sang that song as intercession for You know who, it was actually for my husband, wasn't it? Even though I had one person in mind, You obviously, had another.  But, this time You answered according to Your Wise Judgement. 

Thank You for giving me this day of healing rain. I've rested in You - snuggled in good and tight - and You have kept me in a sterile place, allowing me to nurse my wounds inflicted from your laser surgery.  And most of all, thank You for forgiving me. Thank You, thank You, thank You! I love You with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength, my Husband.

Because of Him and Unto Him, 


Betty Draper said...

How like the Lord to do a work on your heart while you have been and I am sure continue to do on your husbands heart. Now with such light you will be able to handle what ever comes better. It is easier to keep ones head in the sand but really not in the long run and that is what God wants for us, the long run. To endure with grace and truth the race that is set before us. Praying for you Diane.

Floyd Samons said...

I am encouraged to find that in your hardest times you seek our Father. You're wise, sister. And the honesty with God and yourself will be where He lifts you out of your valley. That's my prayer for you.

Diane Ronzino said...

Betty and Floyd, thank you for your prayers! Thank you for sharing in my life, in my journey toward healing, wholeness, and discovering who God created me to be. I love and appreciate you both, my blogging friends!