Monday, July 6, 2015

Behind Frosted Glass

do you see me 
can you make out more than just my form
am I white or black
short or tall
is my shirt gray or spattered with color
am I a nice person
do you see my inner beauty
do you see me
?

I wonder sometimes: does anyone really see me?  
(One of the meanings of the word “see” is: making an effort to find out, learn, or determine with certainty)  
I want to be seen. I would love to know that someone cared enough to make an effort to learn who I am.  Who I really am.  

I am healed enough to now be able to acknowledge that for 40 years, I’ve wanted to be “seen”.  Really seen.  In my marriage, I was invisible; nothing of our life together was about me.  For 44 years of knowing my husband, I've had absolutely no influence on him.  He has always done only what he wants to do - input from his Word-centered wife ignored; right or wrong decisions: consequences be damned.  And some were major consequences to his wife and children.  I choose to Agape him anyway.  As did The Holy Spirit Who, too, was sometimes ignored.

I now realize that if my husband allowed himself to “see” me, then he would have had to allow me to ”see” him…and he certainly didn’t want to be truly seen.  So, he kept himself at arms length and behind frosted glass so to speak, so that his true character was never crystal clear. 

I lived with this man for 40 years, and I thank God I’m healed enough to be able to admit I didn’t ever really know him. Certainly not because I didn’t desire to “see”.  I sure did. I so craved to see and be seen. I strove after it; worked hard at trying to get through his facade to what lie beneath.  I made the effort right up to the very end.  However, I was never allowed close enough.  Therefore, my "vision" of my husband was kind of like this photo. 

Unclear. 

Blurry. 

Black and white. 

Faceless.

He allowed me to see the form of him, but bringing himself into clear focus before me never, ever happened.  He wouldn't allow it.

So, I already know what my OneWord365 is going to be for 2016: SEEN.  I want to live my life so that I truly see others and so that others may truly see me.

One of the blessings of having such a "frosted" and emotionally unavailable mate, is that I have a very deep intimacy with The LORD. I'm so grateful that He knows me - the good, the bad, and the beautiful parts of me.  He knows the "hidden person of the heart" (1 Peter 3:4). My heart has been hidden from the most intimate of human relationships for so long, that it longs to break free.

I feel like an infant bird cracking through it's incubator-shell, exposing itself for the first time to the world.  'Tis a bit scary I must say!  But, I know my Abba will continue to feed me until I'm His perfected beauty. And at the same time, He is teaching His baby how to fly.  Hallelujah! 

Because of Him and Unto Him, 

5 comments:

greaterthanknowledge said...

Wow! Thanks for sharing this, Mom!

Melanie Ghauri said...

Diane. I just starting meditating on Psalms 51. And I believe it's verse 6 that talks about the inner heart. I am also humbled and beyond thankful that Abba sees the good, bad, ugly and loves me still.

I pray that through His Agape love, we will see each other as He sees us, amen. Xo

Diane Ronzino said...

Thanks, Andrew and Melanie!

Betty Draper said...

This one, yes this one Diane is an inner look at your heart. My blog friend, how courageous of you to pour yourself out there for us to read. What insight God has given you to actually see and be able to pen down words that explain that insight. Bless you, bless you, bless you. And thank you Diane for these words...I can see some thing in them that are akin to my heart.

Diane Ronzino said...

So glad you can identify Betty. There is nothing new under the sun, right. We all can experience the same things to one degree or another. Love, you, my precious friend.