Monday, June 22, 2015

Until the Tombstone Spoke

“Mommy, I’m s o o o r r r y!”  The apology erupted through my gut-wrenching sobs.  

My heart had just broke wide open and years of stuffed bitterness flowed up and out like hot molten lava…

Months before The Holy Spirit started prompting me to go to the cemetery.  Mom died when I was 19 and I hadn’t been to her grave since her burial.  Married, with three children, I passed by the cemetery everyday as I drove my children back and forth to school. My obedience came after a month or two of His four times-a-day promptings.

After finding her grave, I stood for the longest time, not knowing what to do or say.  Knowing The LORD had something in mind, I came prepared - Bible, journal, and tissues.

Eventually, I sat down Indian-style in front the headstone.  Eye level.  I opened my journal and started writing.  

Af first, all I could write was my confusion as to the purpose of this Divine Appointment.   “Why am I here?”, I kept journaling.  As I would finish a sentence or two, I would glance up and read the wording on the headstone:

Mary L. Weiss
Wife of Charles E. Weiss
etc. etc.

I jotted thoughts and would glance up.

Jotted thoughts, glanced up.  

Suddenly the words WIFE OF stood out as if in neon lights.  

In that split nano-second I saw my Mommy through crystal clear eyes - through the Eyes of God, Himself.  I was brought back to my childhood/teen years.  I felt her pain and suffering with Crohn’s Disease.  But, more importantly, I saw the pain and suffering she endured being the wife of Charlie, and that the stress of being his wife added to the non-healing of the disease that took her life at the tender age of 48.  

My dad was a long-term member, and a three-time Grand Master, of the Masons.  He lived that secret life within the Masons and brought unGodliness and curses upon his family although he was an every-Sunday church goer.  He was a high functioning alcoholic, but a drunk just the same.  He was very sexually perverse, which only became darker and darker as the years went on; and he was unfaithful to my mother and God their whole married life.   

I was suddenly so aware of what it must have been like to lie down in bed next to him each night… and I "felt" my mom’s repulsion.  

My heart was flooded with empathy for her.

Sobbing, talking to my mommy, and scribbling my thoughts went on for quite a while. You see, although I hadn’t realized it, I had judged my mother.  Because her suffering from the Crohn’s, she was heavily medicated and abusive.  I always understood that. I did not hold that against her, but I what I did hold against her was that I somehow blamed my mother for my father’s deceitful and deviant character.  

Why did I judge my mother and not my father?  That made no sense. Judgements don't make sense. They are lies we choose to believe. It was a demonic seed planted in my young heart creating a love/hate relationship passed onto me by my dad.  

As a teen, I had made angry judgements against my mother in my heart and there they laid buried until the tombstone spoke.

I couldn’t apologize enough to her and God.  And in my repenting, The LORD took all that judgmental bitterness away and replaced it with His Agape.  Love expanded my heart.  I asked The LORD to give her the message of how sorry I was and that I loved her.

God has much to say about us not judging.  Its root is demonic, disguised as anything but what it really is: believing a false accusation, then forming a biased opinion, and holding on to it as a truth.  All it does is cause deep-rooted resentment in the one who makes the judgment.  

Only God has the right to judge our hearts, thoughts, and actions.  

To this day, I teach on judgements - the evils and devastation of holding on to unGodly resentments.  After all, I learned the hard way and it took The LORD to cause the tombstone to “speak” to me in order to free me.  I'm forever grateful that He did.

Because of Him and Unto Him,


Melanie Ghauri said...

You inspire me. Always have. I thank God for your obedience. Through your deliverance and healing, has/will come many healings.

Betty Draper said...

This is a great post it when you share wisdom gained through pain. I remember well coming to grips with the need to forgive my mother for keeping us in a home that was abusive. Seeing her through the eyes of God made all the difference. Bless you my wise hearted sister for allowing us who come by your place a glimpse into your heart.

Anonymous said...

Absolutely excellent sharing! I so appreciate the times of revelation from our Father-God when we are obedient to be quiet enough to receive his direction. In that is usually restoration and healing as well. Thanks for sharing your personal experience here. it had to be heart rending, for certain. I have had some of those moments myself . . .

Floyd said...

Wow... This is powerful. Amazing lesson and wisdom to pass along. You know I didn't realize that I too tend to judge others based on misinformation. Thanks for your heart and sharing the lessons you gained at great cost.

Diane Ronzino said...

Thank you all for your comments. There by the Grace of God go i.

Hazel Moon said...

Diane, your testimony touched my heart. We have been praying over our city, and I have done research about false gods from before it was a city. Indians, with ancestor worship, witchdoctors, Asian gods when the Chinese came during the gold rush. False gods from the occult, and secret societies such as lodges with their vows and curses that would effect their families. I copied these curse breaking prayers, that you might want to use. The first one is long but very invasive and powerful. She has done a lot of research and covers many necessary bondage breakers.

This one is shorter,
I do understand the curses from the vows your dad took when he joined the Masons. A curse cannot be broken until it is broken. Do look up these prayers. Thank you for sharing with us here at Tell me a Story.

Diane Ronzino said...

Thank you, Hazel, for the information. Over the beginning years of walk with The LORD I had many inner healings and deliverances from my father's curses from the Masons. And I have had the honor of breaking similar curses off of God's daughters over the years. I appreciate the info and will look at them to have on file to share with others. God bless you, Hazel.