Thursday, May 1, 2014

The Nots of Love

Lately, I've been meditating on what Love is.  I know what it is NOT:

It is not selfish; it is not self-serving; it is not about me, myself, and I; it is not putting your selfish desires ahead of others; it is not an unbalanced seesaw.  

Extravagant Love lives and reigns in my being.  Caring about the shock and hurt my husband's lifestyle has caused others cuts just as deep as the wounds of his betrayal, infidelities, and deceptions. I care deeply about all the people who have been affected by what I've found to be true about my husband. 

Our family.

Our friends.

The businesses we frequent.  

My husband's choices even affects the economy of all the businesses we had patronized as a couple.

Our favorite vineyards.  Wine clubs have to be canceled.  

Our local cleaners has lost a lot of business because I no longer need his services for my husband's clothes.

The restaurants that we frequented on the weekends.  Not only the business of the restaurant, but also the waiters/waitresses that would serve us are losing out. 

The landscaping company that so beautifully tends to our property.  I can no longer afford much more than a cut and weed.

The Organically Green company that comes each season to spray the property against ticks.  I had to cancel them.

My local food stores and CVS's - not spending as much money as I did when I had two to purchase for.

And I have to face these people.  I have to make the calls. I have to explain...

And my husband just gets to walk away - from me, his children, our life, and our community. No explanations of any kind to any of us. No facing the music.  No accepting responsibility for the losses his sinful choices have caused.  No looking into the eyes of those who cared deeply for him to see their pain, confusion, and disgust.

I look into their eyes. Their reactions cause my heart to shudder because I know my news is causing them pain.  I lie in bed seeing their shocked faces as I try to drift off to sleep.

Nope. That is most definitely not Love. 

And I'm at the place that I want that kind of "love" far away from me.  

Extravagant Love have Your way in me. Fill me to overflowing with compassion and empathy. Fill me to overflowing with Your Love that will keep no records of wrong, a Love that will allow me to bless and not curse, and will allow me the grace to forgive and forgive and forgive.  May I continue to be a beacon of Your Extravagant Love, as You shine through me like a lighthouse.  May Your Extravagant Love overcome all the "nots of love" that have invaded my family's lives and touched my community.  

Let it be so.

Because of Him and Unto Him,


jojo said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
jojo said...

Dear Diane,
I have no words to express how sad I feel reading this blog. You are very brave in sharing your pain and experience. In doing this, you have expressed what LOVE IS.

Martha Herden said...

I can't begin to truly comprehend how "Deep" you are reaching inside you for LOVE! Its inspiring and humbling to witness your Pain flowing out of you and knowing how EASY the choice is to reach for Anger. You my dear one--oh my how you are able to show Us a glimmer of the tremendous LOVE our LORD has for us!

Your family will remain "united" because of your Love, and all of you will slowly feel the deepest Wound beginning to scab up.... Nothing any of us say or do can replace the LOVE that is gone from your life~~ CHRIST is already filling you up!!! What an awe-inspiring WITNESS you are!!!

I hold you in my heart, speak your name out loud in prayer~~"Dear Jesus, hold your Daughter up in her hour of Crisis, guide her through the many valleys of hurt still facing her, and Thank you LORD--for giving us DIANE!!"

All my love, martha

Betty Draper said...

My courageous wise hearted friend how much I ache for you. Only God can love us with inflicted hurt and pain. Our human love is so frail and what Joe did proves it. Bury yourself deep in Jesus love He will not forsake you or abandon you. Praying.

Diane Ronzino said...

Oh, Jo! I'm sorry it makes you feel sad - hopefully, that is just empathy. If that is the case, what a beautiful, Christ-like heart you have.

My only reason for sharing my life right now is help with my own healing. Please don't feel you need to comment (although I do appreciate it). I don't want anyone to feel that they have to "say something". But, blogsphere does become like family doesn't it?

Even that - my husband's choices affects strangers he will never even meet or know

Diane Ronzino said...

Martha, all of you who are commenting and responding reach out in love. Does it replace the love of a husband? No. But, obviously, I've not had his love for a long time. So, all the comments and prayers, notes checking in on me, and phone calls, most certainly does make me feel very loved and helps me deal with the knowledge that my husband left me long ago - way before that Thanksgiving phone call.

Finding out about his other lifestyle and knowing now how long it has been going on for was devastating. But, because of my precious friends have encircled me with love, prayers, and kind words, I have been lifted me up and empowered.

The empathy expressed goes a long way to begin the healing process.

Diane Ronzino said...

Oh, thank you, Betty! Please read my other responses, they are for you as well.

To all those who may be reading, but not commenting, thank you. I pray you find an "encouraging word" in the midst of all this.

Joy said...

So sorry to hear what happened to you Diane. Still good to know that God's love resides in you and that will help you go through.

Diane Ronzino said...

Thank you, Joy!

Saleslady371 said...

Thank you for trusting us with your written words and I, too, will keep you in my prayers for deep healing.


Diane Ronzino said...

Mary, so nice of you to stop by. I'll tell you it is a scary thing to put your words out there sometimes, knowing you could be judged. I'm doing this as part of my healing process. Thank you for your prayers for DEEP healing. I so appreciate that as the wounds are so very deep. Thank you.