40 years of marriage
40 years of workaholism
40 years of loneliness
5 months of separation
5 months distance from the workaholic lifestyle
5 months of fewer moments of loneliness
Who would think that being left alone would actually result in feeling less and less lonely?
For your Maker is your Husband,
The LORD of Hosts is His Name;
And your Redeemer is the Holy One of Israel;
Tuesday, April 29, 2014
Saturday, April 26, 2014
Pledge week. Hazing.
I never went to collage, so I’ve not experienced “pledging” for a sorority. I only know what I’ve heard on the news. It’s kind of scary stuff. Had I gone to college, I know I would never have wanted to be a part of a sorority – just because of the “induction” process of hazing.
Um…no thank you. I’m a coward.
It seems everywhere I turn these days I’m hearing women’s stories. Divorce stories. Some of them are real horror stories. The kind of stories that makes you want to run away and hide. I listen with my mouth open…
Oh, dear God, is this what I’m in for?
I truly can see why our God hates divorce. He really does. I really do.
Therefore take heed to your spirit and let none deal treacherously with the wife of his youth. "For the Lord God of Israel says that He hates divorce for it covers one’s garment with violence," says the Lord of Hosts. “Therefore take heed to your spirit that you do not deal treacherously.” ~ Malachi 2:15-16
My husband didn’t take heed.
Surely, divorce “covers one’s garment with violence”. I’ve experienced first-hand the eruption of violent threats. Not just to me, but to my adult children as well. It’s shocking what becomes of a man whose god is money.
Divorce covers one’s garments with violence: Fear stares me down challenging me, daring me to drop this or else. Divorce is my Goliath.
I do feel as if my clothes are covered with violence. Every now and then I imagine what I would (could) do to my husband venting the anger in my heart; what I would (could) do to him if one of his violent threats against any of my children were to become a reality.
Yes, I most certainly could.
But, I don’t. I won’t. And for no other reason other than the grace of the Holy Spirit in my life.
My husband no longer relies on such grace, which makes me so very sad for him. Truly, I am. Anger and compassion seem to go hand-in-hand with me these days. Thus, the seesaw of emotions.
So, in brief encounters I’m instantaneously bonded with women I do not know and will probably never meet again. For I’ve been inducted into this same sorority – the sisterhood of the band-less fingers.
Right now, I’m still “pledging” - still in the middle of the hazing. Although I’m only at the beginning of the gauntlet, I'm already screaming for relief from the violence to my soul! Hands covering my head I press on through. I have no choice but to keep going.
I can make it through…I can make it through.
There, but for the Grace of God go I. Oh, how I rely on His Grace! It is my safety zone. It is my peace-filled zone. It is my courage zone. It is my victory zone. It is my keep-me-from-violence zone. It is my where-I-want-to-live zone.
Thank You, my LORD, for Your Grace. Thank You!
Because of Him and Unto Him,
Thursday, April 24, 2014
(Words rearranged from Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujah")
there was a time when You let me know
what's really going on below
but now You never show that to me, do You?
but remember when I moved in You?
and the Holy Dove was moving, too?
and every breath we drew was Hallelujah?
well, she broke my throne and she cut my hair
and from my lips she drew the Hallelujah
i’m somebody who's seen the Light
but now it's just a cold and broken Hallelujah
Love is not a victory march
it's just a cold and it's a broken
a cold and broken Hallelujah
Oh, LORD, my God, forgive him and be merciful.
Because of Him and Unto Him,