Growing up, my mother was sick with Crohn's Disease. She suffered tremendous pain and many times humiliation during the course of my young life and passed away when I was 19. Growing up, mine was not a happy home. Mom was heavily medicated and I knew that had changed her personality. But, I was relieved when she died, as I was now free of her anger and hostility toward me.
When I was 16, my father left us to be with his long-time girlfriend. I guess because ours was such a love/hate relationship, I subconsciously blamed my mother. The day we buried her, I buried her in my heart as well. I never again went to the cemetery or gave her much thought.
FAST FORWARD MANY YEARS.
I'm born again, spirit-filled, ministering God's Word, and receiving and learning to give Love for the first time in my life.
And at that time, I would drive my children 45 minutes to their school and come back home. On this daily drive, I would pass the exit on the parkway for the cemetery where my mother was buried, but never gave her much thought. Until, The Holy Spirit started to impress upon me to go to the cemetery. Go to the cemetery? What on earth for? Well, this can't be God!!!
This went on for months, making my drive to and from the school very difficult because every time I passed that exit, I could hear in my heart, "Go to the cemetery". The Holy Spirit is gentle and patient, but He is also very persistent. I didn't want to go to the cemetery. I didn't want to face whatever it was The LORD wanted me to face. What would be the point? I had already forgiven her, so I couldn't imagine anything good coming from it, so I stubbornly apposed to the idea.
After months of disobeying God's leading, I finally surrendered to His will. One bright morning after dropping the children off at school, I got off the exit to the cemetery. After obtaining the location of her grave, I ever-so-slowly drove to it. I left the safety-zone of my car and walked with my Bible and journal to her grave. OK. Now what? Now what am I supposed to do?
I lifted my head, and for the umpteenth time, I reread the headstone. Suddenly, WIFE OF, was illuminated as if in neon lights. In that instant, I broke.
Sobbing near hysteria, I realized I had judged my mother for my father's leaving us. In that instant, The Spirit of Truth illuminated my mind and soul. I was convicted that what I perceived as truth was far from it. That misconception had altered me, altered my life. What I perceived to be true, wasn't. I had judged wrongfully. I blamed Mom for something that she wasn't responsible for. And I did so for many years.
In that one supernatural instant, I knew that I knew, how wrong I was. You see, my father was not only an alcoholic, but a very sexually perverse man. She was a victim just as much as I was. More so, because she had to lie in bed next to him every night. Suddenly, in that God-ordained moment, I was conscious of how horrible their marriage must have been for her, what she must have endured. God allowed me to see through her eyes. There was no consoling me. It was a private moment of facing real truth and repenting between Mom, God, and myself.
That morning I spoke to my mom for the first time since her death, begging her forgiveness. As a result, in that same instant, I was filled with love for my mom. A love I had never, ever felt before. And that love has never wained since then. As a matter of fact, just days before she died, I sat bedside in the hospital. For the first time in my life I heard words from my mother - which at that point in time that meant nothing to me - "I love you". I sat stone-cold and didn't even respond. But, in the miraculous moment at the cemetery, I not only begged her forgiveness, I kept proclaiming my love for her.
However, judging is not without consequence.
Judge not, that you be not judged. For with what judgment you judge, you will be judged; and with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you. ~ John 7:1 And it was.FAST FORWARD.
Years later, I reaped what I had sowed (Galatians 6:7) I sowed judgement and now I reaped it back upon myself. A family member judged me for something she perceived my motives to be during a very painful, family situation. The consequences of that almost caused me to lose my sanity. Literally. Words, like a curse on me, were spoken of me and finally to me. I was now the one judged on appearances, just as I had done with my mother so many years before. It's a spiritual law, if you judge, you will be judged in kind.
So, I've been on both sides of judgements and t's exremely painful no matter which side you are on. Judgements are powerful forces of a demonic nature that can alter the path of our lives unless Jesus intervenes.
I'm eternally grateful to Jesus for the powerful inner healing I received all those years ago - on a morning God ordained and orchestrated. And grateful for the lessons learned in being judged in return. As painful as it was for me, it was a life lesson I, obviously, needed to learn. But, it was salt upon my wounds of sorrow. By being judged in return - a lesson The Holy Spirit was years in making - dramatically drove the point home. But, He was right here to tenderly pick me up off the floor and hold me until it was all worked through. Both parties had to forgive, both parties had to be forgiven.
Remember, "Well, this can't be from God", was my thoughts while being nudged to the cemetery? That was my perception of truth in that moment. But, in declaring my argument, I was making a judgment against God. Just the opposite was true. It most certainly was from God! And I'm eternally grateful for His Love and Mercy toward me and that I am forgiven of that as well!
Love and Mercy are waiting for you, should this ever be a situation in your life. God is Gracious and oh, so Merciful. May He walk you through inner healing if you require it. As painful as it might be in that moment, it will become, as it did for me, one of the highlights of your life.
Because of Him and Unto Him,
This story was shared over on Tell Me a Story. Please drop by and read other true-life stories.